Friday, February 27, 2009

How to Prepare for Childbirth ... an Epistolary Caveat


A dear friend of mine wrote this while in the midst of her OB rotation. Some of you may find it helpful in the future while others of you will feel slighted for not being privy to this information prior to your own experiences...

Hello Friends,

Although being a student for 2 1/2 weeks in OB rotation does not make me any sort of expert on the subject I have learned a lot about what I would like for my own childbirth experience, or more importantly what I would NOT like and I thought I would share...

Some tips:


1. Unless you want to welcome your new child into the world by pumping
him out into a pile of your own feces, as soon as you go into labor, stop eating. In fact, best not eat anything in the last week before you are due. If you haven't appropriately emptied your bowels when the time has come, a quick stop off at the local drug store on the way to the hospital will put a laxative in your hands and a smile on your baby's face.

2. Please take a shower before you go the hospital. When you are scrubbing your undercarriage remember that more people than you have ever wanted or imagined are going to get close and personal with your chach. Pretend that Brad or Angelina or both are going to give you oral pleasure when you get out. Use regular soap first, then shampoo. A good friend of mine once told me that he prefers a girl with a little pubic hair because it holds the scent of the shampoo... whatever works.

3. Shave. It makes the whole process a lot more aesthetically pleasing.

4. If you ever want your husband to have sex with you again, do not let him watch the baby come out of you. If you have a fruity, sensitive husband he might find the experience spiritual. But he will not find it sexy, especially if you neglect to do any of the above mentioned steps. Even if you think that you are never going to want to have sex again you are still going to want your husband to want to have sex with you.

5. When it really starts to hurt, which it will, don't kid yourself - don't say "Ow" . "Ow" is a word reserved for boo boos and owies. When someone gets hit by a car and is lying there bleeding, they don't say "ow". Ow is lame. And if you use it no one is going to believe it really hurts that badly. And if you can't properly communicate your level of discomfort to your husband he is going to think you are a wuss.

6. If your doctor tells you that you need an episiotomy, let him do it. Imagine the difference between cutting your hand with a knife and having your skin pried apart until it tears on its own. Besides, if the doctor gives you an episiotomy you can hate him and get a new doctor next time. If your child gives you an episiotomy you are going to want to punch him in the balls everytime you look at his obscenely massive head.

7. Don't think you are tough for not getting an epidural. You are stupid. Really very stupid.

8. Don't get pregnant when you are 15. Even if your boyfriend promises that he will love you forever. He will not love you when you are fat, which you will be when you are pregnant, even if it is the baby that is making you fat. Your boyfriend is 15 and most likely dopic and doesn't know the difference.

9. Don't get excited and think your baby is "easy
-going"/"special"/"quiet"/"sweet" when it sleeps all day and night at the hospital. That's what they do. Their tiny brains are exhausted from being squished through your pelvis. Their brains will reinflate and they will start crying just in time to make your life miserable with lots of crying when you get home. Good luck with that.

If you need a recommendation for good birth control, please call.

Love,

Liz

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